


I'll Always Remember

by someofthissomeofthat11011



Series: Episode Challenge [25]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-08
Updated: 2020-09-08
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:54:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26357536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/someofthissomeofthat11011/pseuds/someofthissomeofthat11011
Summary: Season 2 Episode 12. Morgana refuses the water Merlin offers her. Unable to convince her to drink the water, Merlin cannot prevent Uther’s death. Arthur discovers that Morgana has magical powers. He agrees not to banish her, but he makes life a living hell for her until it becomes too much for her.
Relationships: Merlin/Morgana (Merlin)
Series: Episode Challenge [25]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/97202
Comments: 1
Kudos: 32





	1. A Dreadful Discovery

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is kind of my challenge to myself. I'm writing one fanfiction for each episode of Merlin, and I am determined to finish this. Some are one-shots, some are longer stories. I give you Season 2 Episode 12.

**Season 2 Episode 12**

**Story 25: I'll Always Remember**

**Chapter 1: A Dreadful Discovery**

Merlin knew that Morgana had been keeping something from him. Their relationship had never been perfect; he hadn’t been deluding himself of that, but he’d thought it was better than this. As he looked upon the broken fragment of the woman he once knew, he felt himself breaking a little. He had all the confirmation he needed that Kilgharrah had been right when he said that Morgana was the source of the enchantment. He’d fought his instinct to have faith in her.

Only a small part of Merlin blamed Morgana. Mostly he blamed Morgause. She had twisted Morgana and made her believe that no one could understand her. Another part of him blamed himself. He hadn't been enough. No matter how hard he’d tried, he hadn't been enough for her.

It didn’t make his decision easier. He loved Morgana with all of his heart, but he had other people to think about. Arthur and Gaius and Gwen. All the people that Merlin had grown to love since coming to Camelot. Merlin thought and thought and thought about it. He knew he had to kill her or at least get her to the brink of death. It wasn't a decision he took lightly.

Merlin went back to Gaius' chambers and filled his water skin. His heart was heavy as he added several drops of hemlock to the water. He felt a piece of his heart darken with his decision. He hated that he had to do this; he hated that Morgana had made the decision to be the vessel for this enchantment; part of him even hated that he’d ever come to Camelot and subjected himself to decisions like this. He knew that in a matter of hours, he would be replaying this exact moment over and over in his head, and would be trying to figure out what else he could have done. Maybe in a few days or weeks that solution would come to him, but right now? Right now, he felt like his hands were tied.

When Merlin got back to Arthur and handed him the clothes for his father, he couldn't look at Morgana. He knew if he looked at her, she would know something was wrong. She was making a terrible decision, but that didn't mean she didn't know him. Despite all the secrecy that had been between them lately, he truly believed that she loved him. He didn’t think Morgause could have tainted those affections.

Merlin was barely aware of everything that happened next. He moved on autopilot as they got Uther to the throne room. He knew the moment had come as Arthur told him he was going to face the knights in order to get to the wheelbarrow to save his father.

"He's not going to survive out there," Morgana told him terrified. As much as she hated Uther, she didn't want Arthur to die.

"I know," Merlin said neutrally.

"We've got to do something!" Morgana told him.

"I know," Merlin repeated. He clutched the water skin in his hand, unable to do it. He couldn't kill her, couldn't let her die at his hands. He closed his eyes. He didn't have a choice. He had to choose between his love and his destiny. He had to choose between his love and the future of Albion. "Here, have some water."

Morgana shook her head. "No. I'm not thirsty," she told him. It wasn't exactly true, but she didn't think her stomach would be able to handle her putting anything in it. She already felt so full of guilt; she thought she was going to throw up from the pure stress of everything happening around her.

Merlin pretended to drink it himself, but Morgana still refused it and then it was too late. Morgause stormed into the throne room, her black cloak billowing out behind her like a stormy cloud. Had the circumstances been less dire, Merlin probably would have acknowledged the fierce determination on her face and how she looked like death itself had summoned her to do it’s bidding. He didn’t have room in his mind to think about her. He watched as Morgana crawled away from Uther's body and it took him a second too long to react to what was happening.

If Morgause had acted as she had previously and attempted to taunt…

If Morgana had a change of heart…

If he had just reacted quicker…

If he’d realized what Morgana was capable of sooner…

If, if, if. Merlin would play all of those if’s over and over again in his head over the next several weeks. He would mentally beat himself to a pulp trying to shift the blame and make sense of the unimaginable.

None of those if’s happened. Morgause had learned from her past mistakes. She’d learned that when you play with fire, you get burnt. She extinguished the fire right away. Morgana didn’t have a change of heart. He hadn’t reacted quicker.

And so, Merlin was powerless to stop her. In one smooth motion, Morgause unsheathed her sword and plunged in down. Merlin didn't need to look to know she’d met her mark. He could hear it in the sickening crunch the sword made as it embedded itself in Uther's body.

For a moment after Morgause stabbed him, there was complete silence. It was almost as if Morgause expected it to not work. As if she expected Uther to somehow survive. He was Uther Pendragon, king of Camelot. After so many thwarted assassinations, it seemed impossible to succeed. As Uther took his last breath, they all got the confirmation that it had worked. The once mighty king had fallen. Merlin could hardly reconcile the ashen corpse with the king he’d come to fear.

Arthur was slowly retreating through the doorway and upon hearing the silence, he spun around. When he saw his father's lifeless body on the ground, he roared. His pain and anger and disbelief rang out in a battle cry. He too had learned something from Morgause – don't hesitate. Once, she may have defeated him in combat, but she wasn't ready for him. She’d expected this to break, but Arthur was made of sturdier stuff than she’d realized.

She was still facing the king as Arthur approached her. He didn’t go towards his father, as she’d expected, but swiveled towards her so quickly, his sword was a blur of silver. Arthur felt nothing as he thrust his sword through her back. He pushed until it was buried in her. He couldn't see the front of her, but he knew if he could he would see the tip of his sword protruding from her stomach. He twisted, knowing it would end her life that much quicker.

He pulled his sword out and let Morgause drop to the ground. He expected to feel relieved or justified in his killing, but he just felt empty. There was no room for emotion in a world where his father was taken from him.

"No!" Morgana screamed. She ran to Morgause's side. "Sister!" She knew the moment the knights of Idorsholas fell that Morgause was gone. Morgana may have been the vessel, but her sister had been the source of the magic. "No!" Morgana hadn’t believed her sister could die. She shouldn’t have been able to. No mortal blade should have been able to kill her. Unless that was just something Morgause had told her to ease her nerves. Morgana closed her eyes and when she opened them, Arthur saw a flash of gold before all of the windows exploded, sending miniscule shards of stained glass everywhere.

Only Arthur, Merlin, and Morgana remained alive in the room, but all of the knights that had been fast asleep on the floor would be waking soon. "You know magic," Arthur whispered. He took a step back from Morgana as if she was contagious. His voice sounded loud compared to the silence that had followed the turmoil of battle. "This is your fault. You are the reason my father is dead."

"No Arthur! You've got to believe me," Morgana said. "I would never!"

"Arthur, listen to her. Morgause killed your father. That doesn't mean Morgana knew," Merlin told him. He knew his words were false, but he had to convince Arthur. Morgana's intentions had been inexcusable, but Merlin couldn't bear to see any ill befall her. He had been prepared to harm her before to save Arthur, but Arthur was no longer in immediate danger. Merlin could think more clearly. He’d never believed that Arthur would have Morgana killed, but he’d be justified if he blamed her for Uther’s death. 

"She called Morgause her sister," Arthur said quietly.

"So she did," Merlin agreed. He had known Morgause was her half-sister as long as Morgana had, so that didn't come as a surprise to him. "But she tried to help your father. She could have killed him. We've left her alone with him twice now, but she didn't do it."

"So? She probably didn't want to get her hands dirty," Arthur told him stubbornly. "There is but one sentence I can pass."

"Arthur, please think about this," Merlin pleaded. "You know that she did not want your father dead. And Uther wouldn't want you to kill her. He promised her father that no harm would come to her."

"Yeah and look at where it got him," Arthur said bitterly. It was much easier for him to feel burning hate towards Morgana than to acknowledge what he had lost.

"Please," Merlin begged. "If you won't do it for Morgana or for Uther, then do it for me."

"You? Why do you care?" Arthur asked him. He cocked his head sideways and examined Merlin. He was looking at the ground uncomfortably as if he was making a decision.

Merlin looked up at Arthur, a look of steely resolve settling on his face. "Because I love her," he told Arthur quietly.

Arthur's eyes widened as he studied Merlin. "Very well," he said quietly. He would not deny Merlin. Not after everything he had done for him. Not when in a single day, he had lost the two people he thought he could trust most in the world. Merlin was the only person left. He turned to Morgana. "I will not have you executed but make no mistake of it, you are no friend of Camelot. From this day forward, you do not know me. If we cross paths, it will not be as friends. I can never trust you again."

"Arthur please," Morgana said softly. She hated to beg, it went against her nature, but she needed his forgiveness.

"Leave," Arthur warned. Morgana hesitated only a moment before she turned and walked out. Instantly, she felt like a part of herself had died.


	2. The Straw That Broke Her Back

**Season 2 Episode 12**

**Story 25: I'll Always Remember**

**Chapter 2: The Straw That Broke Her Back**

Arthur knelt down by his father; his reality crashed down around him. His father was gone. He couldn't help the powerful sobs that wracked through his body. Several knights burst into the throne room, looking around for the threat.

Instead of a threat, they spotted Arthur cradling his father's head. They stopped short; they knew what this meant. Their king was dead.

The next weeks passed slowly for Arthur. He felt no pleasure when he was named king. When he was younger, he had dreamt of being king. Now, his only wish was for his father to still be around to do it himself. Not because he felt he wasn't capable of being king but because he missed his father.

Once he became king, he tried to avoid Morgana at all costs. Appearances needed to be kept, so it wasn't always possible, but he tried.

Morgana was miserable with this arrangement; mostly because every time she saw Arthur, they got into a colossal fight. It was a lose-lose situation. Morgana almost wished Arthur hadn't spared her. She hated walking into a room and feeling his glare. She knew he wished she was dead and that knowledge weighed heavily on her.

She couldn't leave. Arthur had made it clear that if she stepped foot outside of the castle, he would have her hunted down and killed. His mercy only lasted so long as she was right under his nose.

Merlin was her only reprieve. It had taken hours for her to convince him not to reveal his powers to Arthur. He had been ready to, but Morgana wouldn't allow it. As much as Arthur hated her, she still loved him. He had been like a brother to her since her father died and she knew he was overwhelmed with everything right now. Merlin would just add to that.

Morgana wished for nothing more than to be accepted. She wanted Arthur to understand her powers, to have respect instead of condemnation for them. Without Morgause, Morgana knew that she had no chance of surviving on her own. She would have no one to depend on.

But that longing to leave still weighed heavily on her. It was slowly driving her insane and she knew she was close to her breaking point. It had taken its toll on her. She couldn't sleep, despite the healing bracelet Morgause had given her. She thought maybe because Morgause was dead, the powers of the bracelet had died with her. But when Merlin checked it, he said he could feel the magic it possessed.

Her dresses were too big for her now. Merlin frequently commented on how he was worried about her. He had tried making magical potions for her that would help her keep her weight on, but nothing worked. Her cheeks had a sunken look. Morgana had long since turned around all of the mirrors in her chambers. She didn't need to see what she looked like.

The worst was the look in her eyes. It seemed every resident of the citadel knew something was wrong, but no one knew what that something was. They assumed it was her sorrow over Uther's death and no one bothered to correct them. No one dared ask Morgana because she had that look in her eyes. The look that said something was wrong. And indeed, there was something wrong. Something in Morgana had been broken – her spirit.

Nearly six months after Uther died, Morgana was being called before Arthur. This happened nearly once a week. Arthur wanted to make sure that she wasn't plotting to overthrow Camelot or something like that. She didn't know what he hoped to accomplish. If she did have a plot to overthrow Camelot, which she didn't, it's not like she would tell him.

Morgana had a sinking suspicion that Merlin put him up to it. She knew Merlin was optimistic that one day Arthur would accept the magic that Morgana possessed, but so far, it didn't seem like they were making any progress towards that. Their meetings always started off peacefully, but they always ended with a fight. That day had been no exception.

"Arthur, you know me," Morgana told him. She had tears streaming down her cheeks. This had been it. This had been her breaking point. She couldn't stand to have Arthur make those snide comments anymore.

"No. I knew you," Arthur told her coldly. "I don't know what this thing that you became is."

"This is who I am! I'm not going to keep apologizing for it," Morgana said desperately. "I am a sorceress. That's not going to change, so get over it!"

"I refuse," Arthur said. "You have chosen to practice magic. You have chosen to become a monster."

Morgana felt something break inside of her. It wasn't like before. Her spirit had been broken, but she still had had hope. Now that hope was gone. "So be it," she said softly. She stormed out of Arthur's chambers and went back to her own.

That night she held Merlin a little tighter when he snuck into her chambers to bid her goodnight. This was the only time in her day when she felt good, when she felt right. "I love you," she whispered in his ear. It wasn't the first time that she had said it, but it felt much more significant right now. "No matter what happens, know that. I will always love you."

"Are you alright?" He asked her anxiously. She had been fidgety for months. Ever since Arthur discovered she had magic. He knew she wasn't, but he asked her this every night, just the same. He had tried his hardest to convince Arthur to give her a chance. All he had managed to get was for Arthur to agree to meet with her once a week to speak with her. They may not have the most productive conversations, but it was a start.

"I'm fine," she lied. In reality, she was as far from fine as it was possible to be. She left lifeless, as if she was just going through the motions of being alive. She couldn't make herself feel anything. There wasn't room for guilt, or anger, or sorrow. She was just empty. A mere shell of what she used to be. She couldn't take it anymore. She was tired of the crushing emptiness. It made her want to claw at her skin to feel something, anything. She didn't even have room to love Merlin the right way. When he held her, she felt like it was a mere shadow of what it used to be. She didn't feel the warmth or comfort she once did. She was tired of pretending. "Goodnight Merlin."

"Goodnight. I'll see you in the morning," he promised. Morgana gave him a curt nod before he walked out. She closed and latched her door behind him. She closed her eyes, a single tear slipping down her cheek. Merlin was the only thing that she would regret.

Morgana went to set down at the edge of her bed. She pulled a dagger out from under her pillow. It was the dagger Arthur had given her when everyone in the castle was put into a deep slumber. It seemed appropriate to her. She twiddled the dagger in her nimble fingers and a small smile found its way to her lips; she knew this would soon be over.

The next morning Gwen's screams could be heard throughout the castle. Within minutes Arthur and several guards were rushing to see what had happened.

Arthur felt himself go numb as he looked at Morgana's pale body. Merlin had his arms wrapped around Gwen. Arthur had a feeling it was as much to comfort himself as it was to comfort her. He looked back down at Morgana's body. It was pale, far too pale. Paler than any person he’d ever seen. Her lack of color told a story. Arthur wasn’t ready to read that story yet. He wanted to deny it. He wanted to believe that she’d be around for one more argument. He couldn't tear his eyes aware from the scary pool of blood that surrounded her. Clutched in her hand was a dagger that he would recognize anywhere. The truth crashed down on him. He’d thought he wanted her dead, but sorrow and loss still ripped through him. She was gone.


	3. Lost

**Season 2 Episode 12**

**Story 25: I'll Always Remember**

**Chapter 3: Lost**

Arthur was vaguely aware of Merlin guiding him back to his chambers. After that, he didn't know how much time had passed. He knew Merlin prepared him for bed each night and laid out clothes for him at the start of each day. Arthur went to training and bestowed knighthoods and attended lavish feasts. He knew these things were happening, but he wasn’t actually aware of them. Some things broke through his stupor. He could feel Gwen's warm hands on his forehead as she changed a cooling cloth when he was having a particularly bad day. He could hear Merlin's and Gwen's hushed whispers, though he never understood what they were saying. At least once a day, he was aware of Merlin ushering him to the field for training, but it was not his voice that barked orders at his men.

Days passed, maybe weeks, maybe months. He wasn't sure. All he knew was there was a guilt that was eating away at him from the inside out. It had him mentally paralyzed.

He sometimes heard other voices, but he was never able to hear what they were saying and was unable to identify who was speaking. It was almost like he was underwater, and he was trying to make out voices conversing far above the surface.

That was it, Arthur realized. He was drowning and no one could help him surface.

He didn't know when Merlin got tired of his mopey, depressed behavior, but suddenly, he was being shaken. "Arthur?" Merlin called. "Arthur! That's enough!"

Arthur blinked and looked out at Merlin. He didn't respond because he wasn't fully comprehending what was happening. Merlin looked older. He had lines that showcased the loss he had suffered. He had lost Morgana too, Arthur realized. Arthur brought his hands up to his cheeks, shocked to find them damp with tears. "Arthur!" Merlin shouted again. Arthur could feel the slight sting of a slap, but he still could not break through the water that was crushing him.

A bucket of cold water was poured on Arthur. Just like that, he felt as if he had surfaced. Everything was much clearer to him now. "Arthur?" Merlin asked tentatively. "Are you okay?"

Arthur's face hardened. He forced his guilt aside and nodded. He had no reason to feel guilty. Morgana had made her own decisions. She had chosen to study magic; she had chosen to take her life. It wasn't his fault. Arthur felt an overwhelming need to do something. He didn’t like the sudden clarity. It made him long for the black waters. He hadn’t particularly enjoyed drowning, but it had been a most welcome distraction from these feelings. "Go prepare two horses. We are going on a hunt," Arthur ordered.

Merlin's face remained neutral as he nodded. He turned and ran out. For nearly four weeks, Arthur had been trapped in his own head. Merlin couldn't take it anymore. He had feelings too, but Arthur was so consumed by his own he wasn't acknowledging them. For four weeks, Merlin had felt like part of him was missing. He had done his best with Arthur. He had helped him dress and had force fed him on occasion, but nothing he did got through to him. Merlin was pretty sure he could have performed magic right in front of Arthur and he wouldn’t have noticed. Merlin wasn’t crazy enough to test that theory.

A hunt was a welcome change. Merlin made no secret of his distaste for hunts, but he would take it over Arthur's self-pity.

When the barn door closed behind him, Merlin used magic to prepare two horses. He wanted to leave as soon as possible, hoping that the clear air would help Arthur return to normal.

Arthur was waiting outside when Merlin left the barn with the horses. He was tapping his foot impatiently. "Took you long enough," he muttered. He seemed so agitated.

Merlin stared at him shocked. He literally could not have prepared the horses faster. He chose not to comment; instead, he mounted his horse.

Arthur kicked off and Merlin followed him deep into the woods. Arthur didn't actually try to hunt anything, but Merlin never really thought he would. He knew this was more to give Arthur the chance to run away from his problems for just a few hours. Plus, Merlin hoped that maybe the fresh air was just what Arthur needed to regroup and return to his kingly duties.

When Arthur finally stopped, he dismounted his horse and just stood amongst the trees and brambles. For over an hour, he just stood there, trying to sort through the confusing thoughts going through his head.

"Do you think it was because of her magic?" Arthur asked quietly.

"Um… what?" Merlin asked uncertainly.

"Morgana," he said. Her name cut through him, making his guilt roar all over again. "Do you think she realized that she had something evil in her so she did the only thing she could to stop it?"

"No. I don't," Merlin said evenly. "I do not believe that there was evil in her."

"Merlin, I know you are grieving, but…" Arthur started to say.

"I don’t blame her magic," Merlin spat, cutting him off. Merlin had honestly believed that he had forgiven Arthur. Now he realized he had just managed to distract himself from his anger.

"I see," Arthur said quietly.

"That's not what I…" Merlin began. He never finished. He had meant his words and the words he had implied, and Arthur knew it.

"I cannot blame you for blaming me," Arthur told him. He was back to staring at that tree. "I admit that my actions were not exactly welcoming."

"I'll say," Merlin muttered.

"But you must believe me when I say that I wish she was still alive," Arthur said to him.

"Even with her magic?" Merlin demanded.

"Magic or not," Arthur whispered. "I never wanted her to die. I didn’t realize that until she was gone. I never would have been able to have her killed. I don’t believe myself to be the cause of her decisions, but I did not want her to die. She had something evil in her. I wish she had been strong enough to fight it."

Merlin felt something shift in him. Arthur's words stemmed from ignorance, but there was legitimate sorrow behind them. "I miss her," Merlin whispered

"As do I," Arthur admitted.

A feeling of peace spread through both of the men only to be broken by a battle cry. Arthur and Merlin looked around them and located a single bandit. Arthur drew his sword as a warning and felt a sense of satisfaction when the bandit turned and ran away.

Arthur turned away from the bandit and his heart caught in his chest. He should have known. He had used that tactic hundreds of times. They had created a distraction.

He saw a dozen bandits charging them. He barely had time to lift his sword and block the first attacker that reached him. He and Merlin fought side by side, slowly backing up until their backs were to a tree and there was nowhere else to back up to. They didn't have a prayer of escaping.

"Arthur?" Merlin asked quietly.

Arthur turned to look at Merlin. Merlin was now sitting. His sword was slightly raised in the hope of deflecting any blows that came his way.

Arthur focused on the scary looking red stain spreading through Merlin's side. He had been hit.

"Merlin, hang in there. I'll get us out of here," Arthur said, sounding much more confident than he felt.

"Arthur," Merlin moaned. "I'm sorry."

"Sorry?" Arthur asked confused. "Sorry for what?"

His question was answered a moment later when Merlin began chanting under his breath. Arthur stared at him, unable to look away. He heard cries come from behind him and turned in time to see every remaining bandit get thrown an inhuman distance away from them. He could have sworn some trees moved out of the way to avoid stopping them.

Arthur stared at Merlin, his mouth agape.

"I'm so sorry," Merlin whispered. "I wanted to tell you."

"But you didn't," Arthur said. His throat felt dry and he was barely able to muster up any volume.

"I'm so sorry," Merlin repeated. "I suppose it doesn't matter anymore though." Merlin coughed. Arthur winced as a little bit of blood came out and sprinkled down his chin.

"What are you talking about?" Arthur asked.

"I'll be with Morgana soon," Merlin said peacefully. "You won't be able to hurt me." He coughed again causing blood to stain his teeth and lips. He wasn’t scared. He felt like it was time. He’d done all he could do. He’d protected Arthur one last time.

"Can't you heal yourself?" Arthur asked anxiously. He knew he shouldn't be so scared to lose Merlin. He had seen what Merlin could do, but he couldn't make himself feel disgusted like he thought he would. He had always known there was something different about Merlin; now he knew what it was.

"Why do you want me to?" Merlin asked him. "I'll not heal myself just so you can subject me to the same pain you put Morgana through."

"Please Merlin," Arthur pleaded. "I've already caused Morgana's death. I can't bear to lose you too." Arthur hadn't realized until he said the words out loud that he did blame himself for her death. He didn't think he was going to be able to forgive himself, but he knew he wouldn’t survive the guilt of another life on his conscience.

Merlin studied him for a moment before he began chanting under his breath. He let out a sigh of relief as his skin knitted itself together. Once he was better, he looked at Arthur concerned. Arthur looked as if he was about to spin out of control. "Are you alright?" He asked anxiously.

Arthur just shook his head. He felt like his chest was being torn apart. With clarity came the sharp reality of what he had done. He fell to his knees, not caring that the mud squelched around him uncomfortably. "I did this," he sobbed. Normally he would have been embarrassed, but there was too much guilt in him to allow him to feel embarrassed. "I killed her. It's all my fault."

"Arthur, you did not kill her," Merlin said. He looked like he was fighting tears. A piece of his heart had died that day. For a long time, he had blamed Arthur, but now he realized there was no point. Arthur had enough guilt to go around without Merlin adding to it. "She made her own choices."

"If I had just listened to her or just given her a chance, she would still be here," Arthur cried. "How could I have been so stupid? I drove her to…" Arthur cut himself off. He couldn't bring himself to say it. He could still so vividly see how her blood had contrasted with her pale, lifeless body. He had done that. Hell, she’d even used one of his daggers to do it. As if she wanted him to know he was the reason. "I'm so sorry Merlin." He sat backwards, feeling too wobbly to remain on his knees. He wrapped his hands around his knees, trying to calm his out of control emotions. "I'm so sorry. How can you forgive me?"

"I already have," Merlin told him. "Now you need to forgive yourself."

Arthur didn't say anything, instead he allowed his sobs to shake his body. He deserved this humiliation. Merlin crouched down beside him and held him while he cried.

Arthur knew he would never be the same again. There was far too much innocent blood on his hands. He also knew he could never undo what he had done, but he could make it better. And he would. For Merlin, he would pull himself together and create a world worthy of Merlin’s goodness.


	4. Making Amends

**Season 2 Episode 12**

**Story 25: I'll Always Remember**

**Chapter 4: Making Amends**

It took three months for Arthur to prepare his proposal for the council. A little over four months had passed since Morgana's death. The morale in the castle hadn't been the same since. Servants would look at the thick padlock that had been put on her door that day and they would remember. Morgana had been loved, more than she could ever know, but Arthur had led her to believe that she was despised.

Arthur looked out at the elderly council members. They were so set in their ways. Hatred for magic had been ingrained in them. He didn't know how to convince them otherwise, but he was going to do it. Morgana would have wanted it. "I propose that magic be legalized in Camelot," he told them quietly.

Much like he had expected, seven pairs of incredulous eyes flew up to stare at him. "My lord?" one of them asked uncertainly.

"You heard me," Arthur said evenly.

"It's been nearly twenty-five years since the Great Purge. We've lived in peace. Why would you want to disturb that peace?" Another man asked him incredulously.

"Because you've lived in peace. Not all of my people have. I believed that magic was an abomination, something that if used, warranted death. I believed that until that is exactly what happened. Morgana Le Fay did not deserve to die. My actions drove Morgana to kill herself. She was not a cruel person. She showed me nothing but kindness. If I had listened to her when she had told me about her powers, if I had had a more open mind, Morgana would still be here. Instead, I told her that she was a monster and that she was evil. It became too much for her, and I broke something inside of her. Morgana's death was a direct result of my ignorance and my anger. There are people that are terrified of who they are, because we preach that they should die. They wish only to be accepted for who they are and we deny them that simple request. You may pass them on the streets of Camelot every day and not realize it, but they are there and they are listening," Arthur said.

Arthur glanced over at Merlin. He had nearly died protecting Arthur. The only reason he was alive was because of the magic he can use. "These people have the potential to do so much. They can heal people of their illnesses or wounds, help crops flourish, and bring Camelot into a new age of prosperity. But they are not allowed to. They have to hide the powers that they have at their disposal. I beg you to think of Morgana. Many of you knew her, but how many of you knew of her powers? How many of you knew that every time we condemned magic and everyone that studies it, that we were speaking of her? You cannot bring people back to life and we have done enough damage. Like anything, magic should be considered a weapon. If it’s used in the wrong way, we punish someone accordingly. Do you believe that anyone should go through what Morgana went through? Do you believe that anyone should hear that who they are is forbidden? If you do not, as I do not, then you will grant me this request." Arthur felt drained. He didn't care that some traitorous tears had escaped during his speech, for the first time he wasn't ashamed of the emotion. It was that emotion that reminded him of the terrible thing he had done, but it also gave him purpose and determination. He would never stop fighting for this. "There is nothing more I can say to convince you. You know how I cast my vote. I will leave you to your discussion."

Merlin took his leave a moment before Arthur did, giving Arthur a moment to gauge the council's reactions. For the most part, Arthur had no idea how they would vote. Most of them looked lost in thought as they considered Arthur's proposal. Arthur bowed before he left the council chambers.

He couldn't help the gasp that escaped him when he saw what was happening in the hallway. Merlin was facing him and there were tears streaming down his face. The look of happiness on his face was one Arthur had never seen before. His arms were wrapped around someone. Arthur wasn't sure how that person was managing to breath, but that was a tiny thought in the very back of his mind. He couldn't see who the person was, but he didn't need to. He would recognize that wavy, black hair anywhere.

"Morgana?" Arthur asked breathlessly. He had imagined a thousand different ways that Morgana was somehow still alive, but he had never believed it to be true.

The woman turned to face him and sure enough it was Morgana. Merlin did not let go of her as Arthur began questioning her about how she was alive. Merlin rubbed circles into the back of one of her hands.

"I used a duplicating spell," Morgana explained. "I just couldn't handle it anymore, but I knew if I left that I would always have to look over my shoulder to see if I was being hunted."

"But you cannot duplicate a living thing," Merlin argued.

"True… At least not if you want the duplicate to be living. I was satisfied with an exact copy of my body," Morgana explained. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but I feared that Arthur would notice that something wasn't right. I didn't think you would be able to feign feelings for a loss you didn't suffer. I… I was selfish."

"You were," Merlin agreed. He didn't look angry though. He couldn't bring himself to feel anger. Four months. Merlin had spent four months believing Morgana to be dead. Now that she was back, he wasn't letting go of her. Instead he kissed her cheek. "I've missed you."

Arthur felt something strange in his chest, almost like his heart was trying to thump out of his chest. He couldn't imagine what these last months had been like for Merlin. Arthur had never stopped to ask. Looking at them now, Arthur could see what he had been blind to before. The love Merlin and Morgana shared was obvious and Arthur wondered how he had never seen it before. When Merlin told him he had feelings for Morgana, Arthur hadn't realized to what extent. In a strange way, he was almost envious of their relationship.

Studying Morgana now, Arthur felt as if all of his prayers had been answered. He had so desperately wanted her to be alive.

"I've missed you too. You have no idea how many times I thought of coming back here to see you," Morgana told him. She rested her head on Merlin’s shoulder, not caring that Arthur was there to witness it. They had so much lost time to make up for.

"I still don’t understand one thing. How did you know you could come back?" Arthur asked her.

Morgana hesitated before she looked at Arthur. "I… I had a vision," she explained softly. "I saw the speech you made to the council, then I saw what came next. Some of the council members are not happy with your proposal. Especially Afagan. He's planning on…" Morgana bit her lip. "There is much you do not know, and I haven't the time to explain. But I know about you and Gwen. As does most of the council."

Arthur opened his mouth as if he was going to argue, but Morgana stopped him before he could. "Don't even try. I can see the future, so I see that one day you are going to make Gwen your queen. I only get these disjointed images of it, but every time it’s Gwen on the throne. Afagan suspects this. I do not know how he knows, but he is planning on kidnapping Gwen to distract you. He hopes to frame sorcerer to put a stop to your proposal. After all, if a sorcerer kills the woman you love, how could you possibly continue to attempt to legalize magic?"

"We must get to Gwen," Arthur said as he jumped to his feet. He may not admit it to them, but he cared deeply about Gwen. After everything that had happened, she was one of the few people that had managed to ground him. 

"I already spoke with her. Before I came here I went to her house and warned her," Morgana explained. "I… I knew that she was the one that found me… or the me I left behind,, and I felt she was the first person that deserved my apologies. She's in my old chambers. I figured that's where she would be safest. I locked the door behind her."

Arthur let out a sigh of relief. "Thank you," he whispered to her.

No one would ever check there; he was confident about that. He glanced at the door to the council chambers. He knew that they would be deliberating for a long time. If they could spend hours debating whether or not they should employ workers to dig a trench that would help drain fields in case of excessive rain, he knew they would spend even longer speaking about this. And there was something he needed to do.

He turned to Leon, who was standing just outside the door. His face showed no sign that he had listened to their conversation, but Arthur knew better. "Alert me the moment they are done," he ordered.

"Of course Sire," Leon promised.

"We'll be in Morgana's old chambers," Arthur told him.

Leon looked surprised but didn't say anything further about it.

Arthur walked away and after a moment, Merlin and Morgana followed him. When they were outside of Morgana's old chambers, Arthur turned to them. "I only need a moment," he told them.

"Good luck," Morgana said with a smug smile. "And Arthur?" Arthur glanced at her uncertainly. "This doesn't mean you're not being sincere. You were going to do it anyway, now it just serves two purposes."

Arthur looked surprised for a moment and opened his mouth as if he were going to ask her a question. He thought better of it and instead, walked into Morgana's chambers while muttering under his breath.

"What was that about?" Merlin asked her quietly. He hadn't managed to release his hold on her yet. After spending so much time apart, he couldn't make himself lose the contact he had been craving.

"He's going to ask her to marry him," Morgana told him in a whisper. "That's why I brought Gwen to my old chambers and not to Arthur's chambers. I saw it happen here."

Merlin stared at her amazed. "Who would've guessed? I never thought Arthur would actually get the courage to ask her," Merlin said amused.

"I suppose hearing that the person you love is in danger does strange things to someone," Morgana mused. "I know Arthur, so I know his only reservation is that he fears it's for the wrong reason. But he's not marrying her solely for that added protection, it's just the timing. When she's queen, she will be safer."

"I suppose," Merlin echoed. An uncomfortable look settled on Merlin's face and he began drawing circles on the back of Morgana's hand.

Morgana recognized that expression. It was the one that Merlin wore when he was extremely uncomfortable about something. "What is it?" Morgana asked gently.

Merlin opened and closed his mouth several times while Morgana waited patiently. She knew once he was ready he would talk about it. Sure enough, just a few moments later, Merlin spoke. "It's just… you were dead," Merlin whispered. "I was there when Gwen found you. Your chambers were locked and Gwen was the only one with a key. I was the one that carried your body away."

"I'm so sorry Merlin," Morgana said guiltily. "I never meant to hurt you."

"But you did," Merlin told her sharply. He made himself take a deep breath. He didn't want to drive her away, but he also knew this was a conversation they needed to have. "You were everything to me."

Morgana finally understood what Merlin was trying to say, what he was trying to ask. She gently lifted his chin so he was looking at her. "What I did doesn't mean I don't love you," she promised him quietly. "I love you with all of my heart and this was the hardest decision I ever had to make."

"Then why did you make it?" Merlin asked her.

"Because I feared if I stayed here that I really would kill myself. I was slowly driving myself crazy, and it was starting to make sense. I couldn't take Arthur and the things he was saying to me anymore, so I left." Morgana paused for a moment. She knew she was crying, but she was powerless to stop it. " I have missed you every day since I left. I love you so much, but I don't think I realized how much until I was gone. I was fortunate enough that I could come back; not everyone has that good fortune. Hundreds have died at Arthur's hands, and I knew I would be another one if I didn't leave."

Merlin leaned in and kissed Morgana. He didn't have words to explain what he was feeling right now. The relief and anger and love towards Morgana, but he didn't really need words. He knew Morgana understood, just like she always had. She understood him better than he understood himself sometimes.

"Thank god we came out here," a voice said. "By the looks of it, you guys are ready to do something dishonorable."

Merlin quickly broke their kiss and turned to Arthur sheepishly. Before he had the chance to say anything, Morgana spoke. "So you asked her? What did she say?" Morgana asked eagerly.

Gwen stepped out from behind Arthur. "She said yes," Gwen said euphorically.

Morgana engulfed Gwen in a hug, but their celebration was short-lived.

"Sire," Leon said, approaching them cautiously. "The council is ready for you."

Arthur took a deep breath before he nodded. He followed Leon back to the council chambers and paused as he looked up at the looming doors. He felt like he was a little kid again, being called before his father. Arthur forced those thoughts from his head as he pushed the doors open. He mentally prepared himself for what was coming.


	5. Epilogue

**Season 2 Episode 12**

**Story 25: I'll Always Remember**

**Epilogue**

Slowly but surely things changed throughout Camelot. The council didn't pass Arthur’s proposal, but that didn't stop him from trying over and over and over again. He made it clear to his people that he was putting his faith in magic and was slowly helping them realize that same faith. It was not uncommon for Morgana to be requested somewhere for a magical solution. Merlin always traveled with her. No one really understood why Merlin went with her. It wasn't as if he could offer her much protection, but Merlin insisted every time, and Arthur granted him permission every time. So while no one understood it, they accepted that Morgana and Merlin were a package deal.

Arthur married Gwen not long after the council rejected his proposal for the first time. It had been unheard of for a king to marry a peasant, but as Gwen ruled over Camelot with Arthur, the people began to appreciate Gwen's wisdom and compassion. Gwen would travel leagues to ensure that her people were happy and to see if there was anything she could do to help them. While it was unheard of for a king to marry a servant, the people of Camelot could not have asked for a better queen or for one more attuned to their suffering.

Arthur also began to let men without nobility in their blood to join the ranks of the knights. He had come to learn that knights could come from the most unexpected places. With this decision came outrage from his knights and his councilmen. His knights did not believe they could trust an ordinary man. With the first man that joined their ranks that belief disappeared. Sir Lancelot was without a doubt the bravest and most noble of the knights. After that they did not care if a man was of noble blood. If he could fight and defend the people of Camelot as they could, they were welcome. It was this that changed the knight's bond from one of blood to one of brotherhood.

On this particular day, exactly seven years after Arthur proposed that magic be legalized for the first time, Arthur found himself in the council chambers, reciting the same speech he has given once a year for the past six years. Arthur told himself he would never give up, not until Merlin and Morgana could walk through the streets of Camelot without someone trying to attack them. He had promised himself that he would do whatever he could to legalize magic and while it was widely accepted throughout his kingdom, it was still illegal.

Arthur walked out when he had finished, hoping beyond hope that this is the year that he would finally get through to them. When he exited the chambers, he walked into a beaming Merlin and Morgana.

He didn't need to ask to know, but he did anyway. "They're going to say yes, aren't they?"

Morgana nodded, a tear slipping from her eye. "A unanimous decision," she whispered.

Arthur's jaw nearly dropped. He had been much more optimistic about it this year, but a unanimous decision was the last thing he had been expecting. He had just hoped for a one-person majority.

"I can't believe this," Arthur whispered. He looked back at Morgana and Merlin and noticed their entwined hands. Something shone in his eyes making him squint against the glare. The next moment it was gone and Arthur had the view of a slender, silver ring around Morgana's finger. "I really can't believe this! Something you want to tell me!"

Morgana didn't say anything, she just extended her hand to Arthur, allowing him to examine the ring. "It was my mother's," Merlin whispered. "Her mother gave it to her before she died and she passed it on to me."

"It's about time," Arthur told him. He had started to think that Merlin would never ask her. "What took you so long?"

"He was a gentleman who wanted to wait until I was allowed to be alive to marry him," Morgana answered for him. There was no bite behind her statement, and truthfully, when Merlin finally proposed to her, the relief she had felt was overwhelming. She too had feared that she would be an old maid before Merlin had the courage to ask her. When he explained to her his reasons for waiting, she couldn't have been more euphoric. "Do we have your blessing?"

Arthur stared at her for a moment. Once upon a time, it would have been Uther that Morgana would have had to go to for a marital blessing, but now that responsibility fell on his shoulders. That was probably for the better, Arthur reflected. His father would have never given them his blessing. "Absolutely. I can't believe this. You're getting married. Soon you'll have a family." Merlin and Morgana exchanged an uncomfortable look. Arthur furrowed his brow in confusion. "What is it?"

"We won't be having children," Morgana explained to him quietly.

"Why not?" Arthur asked incredulously. "You would be great parents."

Merlin looked at the ground. "Drop it Arthur," Merlin warned.

"But…" Arthur began to say.

"Just let it go," Morgana suggested.

"No, what's stopping you?" Arthur demanded.

"I am!" Merlin shouted. "I cannot provide Morgana with a child!"

Arthur's jaw nearly dropped. "What do you mean you cannot?" He asked uncertainly.

Merlin bit his lip. "I cannot have children. Physically at least," Merlin explained. Arthur could see that Merlin felt guilty about this, as if he were denying Morgana her entire future. Arthur wondered if that had played a part in his decision to wait so long to propose to her.

"Since when?" Arthur demanded. "You used to speak of having children.” Arthur frowned when he realized that Merlin hadn’t talked about it in years. Not since everything happened with Morgana. “How can you be sure?"

Merlin and Morgana exchanged an uneasy glance. They silently communicated about how they wanted to proceed with this conversation. "We may have done something dishonorable after I found out Morgana was alive," Merlin explained slowly. "Morgana had been so scared that she was pregnant I performed a childbearing spell. It isn't a complicated spell. I had to draw a circle on the ground and when you step over it, your face briefly flashes a different color depending on whether you are pregnant or not. Morgana stepped on it and her face briefly was a bright red, which means that she could bear children, but that she was not currently childbearing…" Merlin cut himself off. He wasn't sure he could bring himself to admit it. "When I stepped over it to erase the circle, my face flashed black."

"Which means?" Arthur pressed.

"Barren," Merlin whispered. He couldn't bring himself to look at Arthur or Morgana. Morgana had known since that day nearly seven years ago, but it had taken her a long time to convince Merlin that she didn't care about having children and that she only cared about being with him. Even now, the guilt ate away at him. Morgana would have been a great mother if she had been with someone capable of having children.

"I'm sorry," Arthur whispered. And he was. He didn't know what to say to that. He and Gwen had recently been blessed with the news that Gwen was pregnant.

Merlin shrugged. "There's nothing we can do about it, and I figured that maybe it is better this way. Morgana and I can focus on helping people," Merlin explained.

Arthur could hear the sorrow deep in Merlin's voice. He didn't know what he could do to help him. He knew Merlin would never consider using magic.

An idea came to Arthur and his eyes widened as he began planning. He would have to begin work right away and it wouldn't be easy, but he knew that Merlin and Morgana deserved this more than anyone.

Before Merlin or Morgana had a chance to ask Arthur what he was planning, the door to the council chambers opened. Arthur stepped inside, holding his head high.

One week later, Arthur made an announcement from the balcony of the throne room. Before he opened his mouth to speak, he mused about how much history had been made from this balcony. It's where his own parents announced their pregnancy, where his father declared war on magic, where the first sorcerer was condemned to death. Now, that history was going to be replaced by a history of their own. Arthur was about to announce that the war on magic was over, he was about to announce that Gwen was providing Camelot with an heir. It was the ending of a very bloody chapter of their past and the beginning of a bright and hopeful future.

Arthur's arm wrapped around Gwen's back tugging her toward him as he announced the news with pride. If people were pleased that magic had been legalized, they were euphoric about the news of an heir. An heir meant so much more than a child to be born to the king and queen. A child meant someone could carry on their legacy. A child meant an heir to the throne that could continue the work of their parents.

It was news the people had been waiting years to hear. There was a grand celebration that night that spilled into the early hours of the morning. Unknown to Merlin and Morgana, they were celebrating more than magic being legalized and Gwen’s pregnancy.

About an hour after the celebration started, Arthur took them both aside and brought them to an elderly woman that had just shown up at the castle. Arthur had stayed sober so far exactly for this moment. "Merlin, Morgana, this is Jaya," Arthur said. "Jaya, this is Merlin and Morgana. They are the two people I was telling you about."

Merlin looked at Arthur confused. He too had stayed sober because it wouldn't be proper for him to drink if Arthur wasn't. Not that that usually would have stopped Merlin, but it was strange for Arthur to stay sober during a celebration and out of respect for that, Merlin had done the same.

"It's nice to meet you," Merlin said. He extended his hand to shake hers.

Jaya clasped his hand and didn't let go. Her eyes raked over his face and Merlin had the strangest feeling that she was seeing more than just his face right now. He felt as if she was peering into his soul. "Yes, I see what you meant, my lord," Jaya said respectfully. "Of course I will grant you your request."

"Thank you," Arthur said relieved. "And the child?"

"Come by in the morning. I'm staying at the inn. I'll have his stuff prepared," Jaya told him. Without another word, she turned and walked out.

"Care to fill us in?" Merlin asked.

"You two are going to be parents," Arthur said simply.

"What do you mean?" Morgana asked. She held Merlin's arm and her grip on him tightened.

"Jaya is from Helia," Arthur explained. Merlin was familiar with the little village. It wasn't too far from Ealdor and it fell just within Camelot's borders. "She takes care of the parentless there. I went to her to see if you two could take one of the children as your ward. She insisted on meeting you first. She says she has an eye for it and would know if you would be a suitable parent once she shook your hand."

"You… you found us a child?" Merlin asked uncertainly.

Arthur nodded. "Jaya currently has four children in her care. Most of them are almost grown now, but the youngest was born only three weeks ago. He's a little boy named Frederick," Arthur explained. Merlin and Morgana were staring at each other as if they were silently communicating. He couldn't read Merlin or Morgana's expression and he feared that he may have overstepped his bounds. "Did I upset you? I know I should have asked first and you aren't married yet, but I know you both want a child."

Merlin looked over at Arthur as if he was surprised to see he was still there. "Upset us?" He asked uncertainly. Then he realized that he and Morgana hadn't exactly reacted to the news. "Oh, god no! We're not upset!"

"We couldn't be happier," Morgana said sincerely.

"Then… why… the eyes…" Arthur motioned back and forth between them.

"There's just much we need to do to welcome a child home," Merlin explained.

"Marry, for one thing," Morgana pointed out.

"And we must get a bassinet. I'm sure Gaius has one we can borrow until we can have one built," Merlin suggested. He knew that Gaius had one in case a patient went into labor, but it had long been used as extra storage rather than its intended purpose. There had been a handful of times that there hadn't been enough time for a midwife to get there, so Gaius had needed something to put the baby in while he cared for the mother, but those instances were few and far between.

"And clothing. But do you know how long that will take?" Morgana asked frantically.

"You guys amaze me sometimes," Arthur said dryly.

"What?" Merlin and Morgana asked at the same time.

"You are the most powerful sorcerers in the world and you want to buy a bassinet and clothing?" Arthur asked incredulously.

Merlin and Morgana looked at each other, surprised they hadn't thought of that. "In defense of us, we did just find out we're going to be parents in less than a day. Excuse us if that came as a bit of a shock," Merlin pointed out.

Arthur chuckled. He supposed that was a fairly good reason. "So there's really only one thing that you need to take care of," Arthur told them. "You want to get married. I can arrange that."

"There's not enough time," Morgana pointed out.

"Not if you want to get married in a large ceremony," Arthur told them. "If you're okay with a smaller ceremony…"

"Then you could marry us right now," Merlin finished. He glanced at Morgana. Everything was moving so quickly, but he didn't feel overwhelmed by it. He felt like the time was right. "I'm ready if you are," Merlin told her.

"I've been ready for years," Morgana pointed out. "I've been waiting for years actually."

Arthur rolled his eyes at them. "Follow me," he told them. He led them down to the archives where Geoffrey was currently skimming through the pages of a book.

He looked up at the sound of approaching footsteps. "Ah my lord," he said with a nod. "I have everything ready for you."

"You thought of everything, didn't you," Merlin mumbled. He felt touched that Arthur had gone to such great lengths for them.

Arthur shrugged. "I just thought, what would Merlin do and then I did it," Arthur told him.

Merlin didn't know what to say to that, so he didn't say anything. Instead, he and Morgana followed Arthur. They took their places in front of him. "We gather here today to witness the union between Merlin, son of Hunith, and Morgana, daughter of Gorlois and Vivienne," Arthur began.

Morgana took Merlin's hand and the rest blurred by. It had been a long, hard journey but in the end, they had survived. They would always remember their trials and tribulations, but just as Arthur was bringing about a new age of peace, Merlin and Morgana were paving a new future. And in the end, the past is in the past. They cannot change what happened between them, but they can choose where they go from here. As Merlin vowed to always love Morgana, he thought they were heading in a pretty good direction.


End file.
